Genetics. The heartbeat of heredity...
The lynch-pin of the family.
Parents supply their children with the same basic building blocks.
The same blood types. The same involuntary responses.
The same essential gene-pool. Yet, despite all this potential for similarity...
Sometimes things get confused.
Sometimes, Mother Nature, in all her wry sense of humor...
Goes off and creates...
Move, butthead.
Total and complete opposites.
Try to get some toothpaste in your mouth - it might help, buttbreath.
Like me and my brother, Wayne. It was hard to believe we ever occupied the same womb.
That's disgusting.
Where's the deodorant?
You haven't even showered yet.
Well, I'm...dry-cleaning.
The only thing we had in common... Was our complete and utter contempt for one another.
You're really gross. You know that?
So?
Wayne?!
How many times I have to tell ya to leave my things alone?
I'm sorry, Dad. Uh, it'll never happen again.
All in all... My brother and I were just two different branches... On the family tree.
Me, the good branch...
Wayne... The dead-end.
You got the wedding invitation, Norma? It's in my beauty-case, honey.
We should take... Route 93 through Hutsonville and avoid the traffic.
I can't believe that Iris is finally getting married.
April, 1972.
History was being made.
For the first time in our lives, our parents were leaving us alone for the weekend.
To us it meant freedom, independence.
Boys?
The white casserole dish is for tonight, and the cold-cuts are for Saturday.
And, of course, instructions.
Right, Mom.
There's a list of chores on the fridge. I want them done when we get back.
Right, Dad.
And Wayne... Don't leave your towels by the heater while we're gone...
I won't!
You did last week, and look what happened.
W-I put it out! Wayne!
Honey - we better go. Yeah.
And you have the number where we'll be... Right, Mom. Right, Mom.
And don't forget those chores! And don't tie up the line in case we want to call you.
And I don't want a lot of kids over here while we're gone this weekend - ya got that?!
Dad! We're not babies, anymore - we can take care of ourselves.
Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway.
Don't worry, Dad... I'll look after him...
Not that as loyal loving children... We weren't going to miss our parents...
Dad?
Yeah?
You gonna give us any money?
Here's a twenty. It's the smallest I got. Split it. Thanks.
Are you sure you two boys are gonna be alright?
Yeah, Mom. Have a good time.
Yeah. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Bye!
And with that...
Don't be late for school!
My parents were gone.
Leaving us to defend the Arnold family fortress.
Well... I'm outta here.
Wait a minute. You're going to school early?
No! There's no school today - it's a holiday. It's national "parents go away day."
So much for defending the old fortress...
Hey! Hey, what about my money?
Wayne, ya owe me ten bucks! Oh!
Fresh out of change. Wayne!
I'm sorry... It'll never happen again...
Don't wait up for me, honey.
And suddenly, for the first time in my life... I found myself completely alone.
with one empty house... Two days to myself...
And nothing to do but...
I know!
Let's have a party!
Head directly for trouble.
Come on, guys - my parents said they didn't want a lot of people there.
What people? It's just us guys.
We just thought... since you have a whole house to yourself,
you might want to take advantage of it!
What are we gonna do at my house?
Everything! Hang out.
Stuff our faces... Order pizza.
Stupid question.
Maybe we could get some beer. Yeah! We can drink till our heads hurt!
Come on, Kevin - it'll be great!
I don't know...
After all, certain rules had been set... And nothing could be said to make me break them.
Look, guys... If Kevin's parents said not to have anyone in the house, then he shouldn't have anyone in the house. Period.
Nothing...except that.
I didn't say that, Paul.
Great! So are we havin' a party or not?!
Yeah, well... Maybe we could do something. Play poker... But just us guys.
Yeah, alright!
Like I said - I could handle this. I was the responsible son.
Nice of you to get out of bed, butthead.
Shut up, troll. Besides, what's the hurry?
Well, for one thing, it's eleven o'clock...
What? What do you have a plane to catch?
No... But Dad did leave some chores for us to do.
Oh.
Wax Wayne's car. Heh-heh.
That's not on the list, Nimrod.
It is now.
There ya go.
Wayne... We have to get this stuff done!
Sorry - I made other plans.
Well, I made other plans, too, ya know!
WAYNE: Like what?
KEVIN: Well...I'm having a party here, tonight.
WAYNE: You're having a party. What are you gonna do - rent a pony?
KEVIN: No. Just some of the guys are comin' over to play poker.
WAYNE: That's not a party! WAYNE: That's a butthead convention!
Hold on, here.
KEVIN: Hey! What are you doing tonight that's so great?!
WAYNE: Well, it just so happens... WAYNE: There's a guy from North Central, who's having a beer-blast, so...don't leave the light on for me.
KEVIN: Fine! I won't.
Hey, what did I care? After all, I was gonna have a pretty wild time of my own.
KEVIN (V/O): Who's bet is it? CHUCK (V/O): I don't know...
RANDY (V/O): Is there anymore pizza?
Assuming your idea of a wild time was an evening of never-ending boredom.
KEVIN: Ricky, come on, will ya?
RICKY: Don't rush me......I'm thinking.
RICKY: I fold.
RANDY (V/O): I don't believe this... PAUL: I'll raise.
RANDY: I'll see ya. KEVIN: Randy! KEVIN: Watch it will ya? This is my dad's good card-table!
CHUCK: Yes, Mrs. Arnold!
RANDY: You'll never be able to see it once it dries...
RICKY: Man, this is the worst party I've ever been to... PAUL: You said it.
The thing was...they were right. We had hit rock-bottom.
KEVIN: Look - this was your idea in the first place!
KEVIN (V/O): If you guys know so much about havin' a great time... KEVIN (V/O): Well, what are ya gonna do about it?
RANDY: We could invite some girls...(Smiles.)
OK - possibly a mistake, here.
PAUL: Are you kidding? PAUL: It's seven-thirty on a Saturday night! (Shrugs.) How are we gonna get girls?
CHUCK: Well, I know it's late, but..... well, it's gonna be a lot of fun!
CHUCK: Um, his parents are out of town.
The first rule of sophomore boys. If it's female - call it. If it answers - invite it.
CHUCK: Chuck...Chuck! CHUCK (V/O): I'm in your bio class.
CHUCK: No. Not Chuck Thorson. Chuck Coleman.
CHUCK: But, um....Chuck Thorson'll be there...
CHUCK: Great! Uh, seeya.
GUYS: What'd she say?! CHUCK: She's coming.
RANDY (V/O): Great! RICKY (V/O): Cool!
CHUCK: And....she's bringing her sister!
Hold the phone. KEVIN: What?!
A party was one thing. A full-scale orgy was something else.
KEVIN: Chuck, wait a minute. I thought I said one girl each.
CHUCK: What was I supposed to do? CHUCK: Tell her she couldn't come?
RANDY: Yeah...give him a break.
KEVIN: OK! But... KEVIN: From now on, just one per guy, OK?
And, from such tiny concessions...
RICKY: My turn.
Do full-scale catastrophies grow.
ALICE: Hi, Kevin! RICKY: Oh, hi, Alice!
Not that it started out so badly.
GUY1: Hey, this is it! Are we here? GUY2: Alright!
KEVIN: Who are they?
ALICE: This is my brother, Charlie, his friend, Eddy, Eddy's cousin Deborah and her best friend Carolyn- I needed a ride.
ALICE: Is that OK with you?
KEVIN: Well... RICKY: Hey, yeah. The more the merrier. Come on in!
GIRL: It's really neat!
KEVIN: Yeah, sure! KEVIN: Just make yourselves at home...
RANDY: What's the matter, Kev? KEVIN: Randy - I said a couple of people.
KEVIN: Now I got....brothers and cousins and friends...
RANDY: Come on, Kev - you gonna relax and have a good time or not?
KEVIN: Well... KEVIN: OK.
After all, how much worse could things get.
GUY (V/O): Hey, man. GUY: Is...is there a party here? INSIDE GUY (V/O): Yeah - come on in!
A lot worse.
GUY4: Hi! KEVIN: Hi.
GUY4: Nice house!
By around nine o'clock... My modest get-together was turning into...a happening.
There were people I was glad to see... GIRL: Hi.
Those I was surprised to see...
And those I'd never seen before in my life.
Still, I kept telling myself, things were under control.
Even though they weren't.
PAUL: Kev - great party! KEVIN: What are you talking about?! This is a disaster!
CHUCK: I'll say it's a disaster. And there, finally - the voice of reason in the crowd.
CHUCK: We're out of food! KEVIN: What?!
GUY: Hey! Look what I found! GUY: A casserole!
But not only were matters getting out of hand...
GUY: Will you look at this! KEVIN: Can you get your head outta there?!
They were getting into the wrong hands.
GUY: Who are you?
KEVIN: Uh, I'm, uh...K-Kevin Arnold. KEVIN: Who are you?
GUY: I'm a friend of Betsy Wagner. KEVIN: Who's she?
And just when I thought things had reached rock-bottom... They went into negative numbers.
KEVIN: Shut up, everyone! KEVIN: I think it's my parents!
GUY: Shhh!
KEVIN: Hello? KEVIN: Chuck...where are you?
KEVIN (V/O): Chuck - how could you leave your wallet on my dresser?
CHUCK: Shhh. Keep your voice down. I took it out when the girls came over. KEVIN: Why?!
CHUCK: Cuz it made my rear-end look lumpy. Alright?
KEVIN: Look - just hurry up, OK?!
All I wanted to do was get back to my unprotected house as soon as possible.
CHUCK: OK! CHUCK: Got candy... CHUCK: Potato chips...
CHUCK: Some pretzles... CHUCK (V/O): Crackers...
CASHIER: That'll be two-sixty-four.
CHUCK: And uh...we'll, uh...
CHUCK: We'll also take, uh, we'll take this.
KEVIN (V/O): Chuck!
CHUCK: Don't worry, Kev! CHUCK: I'll pay for it!
CASHIER: You got an I.D. for that?
CHUCK: Sure! Sure...
CASHIER: "Richard Piedmont"?
CHUCK: Well, it... it's Chuck...for short.
CASHIER: Twenty-seven?
CHUCK: My mother smoked. (Nods.)
CASHIER: What year were you born? CHUCK: April twenty-second, 1945...
CHUCK (V/O): I live at three-oh-three Grant street, I weigh a hundred-and-sixty-six pounds, I have blue eyes...
CHUCK: And I'm...near-sighted.
CHUCK: How did he know? KEVIN: Maybe you don't look near-sighted, Chuck!
CHUCK: You know, next time...I'm gonna squint.
KEVIN: Look, Chuck... ...let's just get out of here, OK?!
CHUCK: Jeez, Kev. You're a little testy, tonight. You know that?!
"Testy"? I was fed up.
KEVIN: Look. Chuck - I've had it! KEVIN: This whole thing has gotten completely out of control!
KEVIN: As a matter of fact, the minute I get home - everyone's out of there! OK?!
And, that was that. Case closed.
CHUCK: Look! Beer! A whole keg! GUY: Yeah...we're goin' to a great party.
GUY: You guys need a lift? KEVIN: No!
CHUCK: Where is it? GUY (V/O): Uh, it's... GUY (V/O): About ten blocks from here.
GUY: Some kid named, uh...
GUY: Arnold.
A lot of things raced through my head, driving home that night.
Things like - arrest. Imprisonment. Death.
RADIO: And this one goes out to all the guys and gals partying tonight at Kevin Arnold's house.
But nothing... And I mean nothing...could have prepared me for what I saw.
I, Kevin Arnold, had thrown... The mother of all parties.
It was six A.M. when the last guest left.
After three hours of cleaning, I'd barely scratched the surface.
It was like trying to straighten up after Woodstock. Still...
It wasn't the cigarette-burns or carpet-stains that worried me most.
WAYNE (V/O): Hey, butthead - are you home?
WAYNE (V/O): Oh...my...god. WAYNE: What happened?!
KEVIN: Shut up, Wayne!
WAYNE: This is unbelievable. WAYNE: Man, are you in trouble!
KEVIN: You think so?
WAYNE: There's no doubt about it!
KEVIN: What am I gonna do?
WAYNE: Well, uh, if it were up to me... WAYNE: I'd probably kill myself.
KEVIN: Wayne - you gotta help me.
WAYNE: Hey - relax! WAYNE: The folks don't get home till four...
WAYNE: And that gives you about three hours... WAYNE: To get the place in shape...
What a comfort.
KEVIN: Wayne, where are you going? Aren't you gonna give me a hand?
WAYNE: Oh, I'm sorry. WAYNE: I'm all booked up this afternoon.
Clearly... It was time for a last-minute desperate plea.
KEVIN: Wayne! Wayne, come on - you gotta help me!
WAYNE: You know...I actually think this is gonna be good for you.
And I guess that's when I realized...
Wayne Arnold - my brother... My own flesh-and-blood - had the heart...of a toadstool.
KEVIN: Fine! KEVIN: If you don't want to help me, then I'll do it myself!
Hey, I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone.
Except maybe a priest. Or a registered nurse.
WAYNE: Boy... WAYNE: This really isn't your day.
WAYNE: Hi! KEVIN: Thanks.
WAYNE (V/O): Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. WAYNE: You guys are home a bit early.
NORMA: Well, you know your father...
WAYNE (V/O): Yeah, good old Dad.
JACK: Everything OK? WAYNE: Yeah. Everything's fine. WAYNE: How about you, Kev?
But somehow... There were just no words to express it.
JACK: Well, I'm goin' in. You boys bring in the luggage.
JACK (V/O): It's good to be home.
And so, it came down to this.
A tragic end to the age of innocence. A farewell to the era... Of parental trust.
WAYNE: Maybe they won't notice.
The thing is...I was prepared for the yelling, screaming, the gnashing of teeth.
But what I wasn't prepared for was...
The complete and utter silence.
NORMA: What happened?!
Well, maybe this was justice.
A pay-back for all the times I'd laughed at Wayne... When he got in trouble.
JACK: I don't believe this.
In any case... There was no way out.
KEVIN: Look...Dad. KEVIN: I know you're angry...And... KEVIN (V/O): You have every right to be, because...
JACK: Kevin! JACK: You stay out of this!
KEVIN: What?
JACK: Wayne...(Frowns.)
JACK: How could you do somethin' like this?!
WAYNE: What?!
KEVIN: No... ...Dad...
JACK: Wayne! I want an answer - I want an answer now!
Course, he should have told. It was the moment he had been waiting for... His whole life.
WAYNE: I'm sorry. WAYNE: It'll never happen again.
But he didn't.
I'm not sure why he didn't. Maybe he saw it was futile to try to explain.
Maybe he knew... How much harder my parents would be on me... Than on him.
Or maybe he forgot, and thought he really did it.
JACK: We'll talk about this later, Wayne. Right now...Start cleaning this mess up.
Or just maybe... For that one afternoon...
KEVIN: Wayne...
My brother saw in me, a little bit of himself.
WAYNE: You know...you really are a butthead.
Growing up brothers is kind of a mixed bag.
Strangers. Warriors. Enemies. Idiots.
Friends.
One day you fight to the death. The next...You'd lay down your lives for each other.
I never did say "thanks" to Wayne... For what he did.
But I washed his Corvair. And waxed it, too.
I figured, hey - any guy who did that...
Deserved a shiny car.
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